1) utown music fest

2) open day prac for treble

3) geog project

4) stats mid term

5) lit mid term (read gatsby!!!!)

6) orientation

Norah Jones today

Lunch with artscampers

Dinner at siyun's

It's already wednesday

Why am I so less emotional these days? I'll (usually) inevitably fall for someone at any point in time in school and get all emotional and affected - but it's not really happening now. At least I'm not letting that happen till my mind tells me anyone's 'worth' getting upset over. (I'm clearly assuming that loving another's a painful thing). The word "worth" definitely does not imply that I think I'm too good for anyone - far from that -, it just means I'm too careful to not get hurt. Or something like that. Reading others' reflections makes me realize I'm not being vulnerable enough as a person. Even my entries. They're all so.. controlled. Like I actually know, clearly, what I'm talking about. They're all about thoughts and rarely feelings. I'm so out of touch with myself, and a little sick of being 'happy',
if that's even what I'm experiencing now.

Having problems putting feelings of being too unfeeling into words.

(Clearly).

Kuo Pao Kun exhibition

A fever is bringing my body to a boil, yet my bottom is still glued to an uncomfortable wooden seat. There's volunteering work tomorrow and great responsibility lies in the hands of my camera. I feel terrible as its owner. My body wouldn't be able to withstand 6.5 hours of walking from door to door singing and talking to the residents, but the issue of the camera remains unsolved. Perhaps I'll get myself to an mrt station and pass it to them.

Finally found the chance to visit the national museum this afternoon, since tomorrow's the last day of the Kuo Pao Kun exhibition. (perhaps that's how my condition got worse) I am impressed with the curation. Memories of the pieces from exhibitions are mostly disjointed, since they are exhibited in sections (for some, just a maze of pieces) and follows no particular timeline or order. Also, the maze is often so confusing as you often start without knowing where the destination is.

The Kuo Pao Kun exhibition's layout is of a simple square room, with a timeline printed on three sides of the walls (one side being the entrance). Openings on significant parts of the time line (as seen in the photo below) lead to small rooms with write ups about a particular play, videos of the play, commentaries, photos and props. The rooms are abit like magnifying glasses that zoom in on a significant portion of his life as an artist. I like how there are detailed write ups and information about a small number of pieces, rather than short write ups about a million pieces. It makes things more digestible.

A circular theatre-in-the-round structure lies in the middle of the room, reminding us of the form of his pieces. Come to think of it, I think this three sided room concept is built to remind us of the thrust theatre (three sided) as well. Audiences are free to sit on the steps and browse through copies of books related to Kuo Pao Kun.

I feel glad about having studied introduction to theatre last semester, for the background information about Bertolt Brecht and the different theatrical forms helped me understand his works much better. Similarly, I often get more excited when things I've learnt in art theory from h2 art appear in exhibitions.

 The only thing I can criticize is that the viewing space is far too small. Only a pair of headsets are offered (meaning only two people can watch the videos at a time). Perhaps this was done for an artistic purpose, but I believe a mass screening in the tiny rooms would've been more practical. I only got to watch one play in the end as I got too tired waiting.

A picture of this couple was taken because it's *sigh* so cute. I'd love to be able to go to museums/watch films with my partner in the future, without feeling the need to rush off due to his disinterest. But I guess real life isn't always so romantic, so I'll just settle for going for exhibitions alone.

 ---------

Despite the fact that going out made my condition worse (fever on raging rampant mood now), it's great to finally have some time alone outside. There's so much more I've thought about on the way home, hopefully there'll be time to write them down when I'm feeling better.

I think judgement is only natural, but we shouldn't say "see, it's okay to judge!" just because of that. Making judgement of someone at a certain point of time out of his appearance/behaviour is ok. What is not ok is that we sometimes extrapolate too much, and retain that judgement we have of that person for a long time. And then we "bitch" and "gossip". The concept of "judgement" seems to have went beyond an analysis of another person with our personal set of values. It now extends beyond time, and beyond one self. And what's the worst? People get so fixated on their judgement that they forget to take a second look at others to understand why they behave that certain way. Everybody deserves to be understood. Perhaps even the people who 'judge too much'.

Stars concert with Zhihua last night (19 feb) was a rather good experience. Everybody ran to the front of the stage the moment the lights dimmed, screaming. The lights weren't dim enough to make the place magical, and the sound system wasn't great. Nonetheless, paying a little more to be so close to them was worth it. Torquil Campbell  and Amy Millan (the lead singers) fell into the arms of the screaming fans, which made me feel like I'm in one of those concert videos uploaded on youtube.

Also, letting yourself loose and not being conscious of your friends' judgemental eyes feels good. Imprinted at the back of my mind is the impression that I dislike moving to the music during concerts/when I'm with people, but halfway through the concert the music got to me and my body started swaying freely. I didn't care about my friend would think, it just felt really awesome.


Stars - We don't want your body

Video is hilarious/creepy, Song is addictive.


Stars - Fixed



Stars - Lights changing colour



Stars - Dead Hearts



Stars - 400

This reminds me of Death Cab's Transatlanticism.

If you can be yourself, you don't have to tell people about who you are.

I need some time to sit down here and write. Badly.

I've had several conversations regarding religion, the concept of an all-knowing deity the past two days and I never knew there was so much I had to say about them. Thoughts from the documentary about dementia still reside at the back of my mind, the priorities I've set for myself.. all these important thoughts drifting around, but I just never find the time concretize them. I need a break from life before they all disappear.

Also, I'm glad I've found friends to take philo with; the weekly discussions add so much more flavour and meaning to this semester. Sometimes I feel bad for not spending enough time with my old friends but these exchanges feel like opportunities I should never let go of.

Radiohead - Give up the Ghost

I love this song. A lot of tracks from "The King of Limbs" actually.

There's just the kind of happiness you get
and can't describe when you've had a great conversation with someone.

I don't want to reduce it all to the word "great",
for such a word shouldn't come with future expectations
or anyone's own interpretation of the word great.

Perhaps "it made me feel alive, and myself" would be a better description.
Finding out more about someone, and with your response both of you find out about yourselves at the same time. Very loosely put.

-

Also, it'll be nice if people didn't judge birds by their flock.

When you finally have what you want before you
what you've been away from for a long time;
you realise they're nothing like how you dreamed it to be
nothing like what you've dreamt of at any available moment.

Maybe then you'll realise, it isn't that great to get what you want;
most things you have in your head are unattainable.

What do you then accept?

Humility

Watched two films today, Hero and 'Before we forget'.

Before we forget was such an emotional documentary about the struggles of living with dementia. I really wanted to write about it was all ready to skip all the valentine's events, but realised there was treble practice right after. Guess I'll have to leave it to tomorrow, they were both excellent films.

I dislike how I barely have any time to write these days.

Perhaps I hate giving people what they want.

This space remains empty for now.

There's me, and the idea of me I want to be.

I dislike gatherings with a big bunch of people I feel tired talking to. I've been hiding in my room for an hour now. My dad keeps convincing me to get out cause it's 'not nice' and 'not normal', so I went out to the living room and saw people already in their groups. One playing card games, another consisting of 26 year olds discussing about.. i don't know what, another one with adults. I walked around and thought it'd be weird to join. So I here I am again. I wouldn't mind listening to them, but they'd ask questions about you most of the time, and I honestly don't feel like talking today. Especially not stuff like "how's school". I want to talk to someone badly right now because there's finally going to be a little more space for me to think. Let's just see how things go. Maybe I'll type them out when being in front of the computer does not feel like a sin.

There was a ponya cny gathering yesterday as well. Felt odd there and escaped after the main highlight for the event. I guess I have to ask myself why I decided to hang out with other people right at the start (that made me unfamiliar with my house mates), but I'm ok with how things are anyway. At times I get disturbed by how the people I hang out with feel I'm nothing but retarded, but I realised it's a good thing. I feel so comfortable around them (even if I'm not close to all) and rarely think without speaking.

update: another childhood friend came later into the night and things got a little better.

I feel so frustrated and in a mess, but can't put feelings down into words yet.

"Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you."

Not sure if it's pride, or me trying hard to be confident.

"Someone wrote down my worst nightmare and charged me 32 dollars to see it!"